Recently, I had an epiphany.
It was actually more like a frightening realization, to be honest.
And it came to me on the television set of a BET taping, of all places. During the taping, I was sitting next to a young black male who was just singing his mama’s praises. He spoke lovingly of how she raised him as a single parent, giving tough love and setting high expectations. Then, he began to talk about how when his father left, his mother “didn’t miss a beat” and just got on with their lives. This struck me. I interrupted him gently, to remind him that that is just what he saw or what she allowed him to see, and that he didn’t know what happened to his mother when he went to sleep or when his mother was alone—she may have cried for hours.
The problem with what this young man saw, is that he was left with the impression that his father left his family and there were no consequences. No repercussions. This is dangerous thinking for our young men. And in my opinion, dangerous behavior on our part as Black women. My fear is that our Strong Black Woman Syndrome is unintentionally breaking down our families and creating a dangerous legacy.
I know saying this is tantamount to heresy, given our proud history of carrying the Black family (hope I don’t get banned from the Essence festival!). But what if our history and our future are at odds?
You see, I too, was caught in the Strong Black Woman syndrome when my husband left my family two years ago. I too, thought I was doing what was best for my children by putting on a strong front. By telling them I was fine, when I was really crying my eyes out every time they turned their heads. Telling them, we’d be just fine, even when I had no clue how I would maintain having recently left my six figure job to launch my dream business.
But on this day, sitting next to that young man it became clear to me that I was doing my children a great disservice. And perhaps millions of black women like me were doing the same. On that day, I realized that I didn’t want my son to think that a man walks away from his family and all is “fine.”
I didn’t want him to ever even consider that there is no impact when a husband or father abandons his responsibilities. And even when a father is still present and involved, we, as women grieve the loss. We feel the loss. On that day, I began to share with my son, in an age appropriate way, that we are hurting and forever changed by his Dad’s departure. I was hurting. Yes, we will survive. But we will have a few scars.
And then it occurred to me, that perhaps, just perhaps, black women across the country are doing themselves and our future generations more harm than good with our strong front-itis. What happens when everyone thinks we can handle anything, shake off anything and we don’t care? I am also, now unequivocally convinced that my “wasband” can walk away or be negligent about child support because he knows “I got this.” He knows that I will do what I have to do and make it happen. After all, isn’t that what I have been doing all these years?
When our men see us as strong women who handle everything thrown our way, or we always give a “ I don’t need that ____” (enter favorite expletive here)—we send a message that we don’t need our Black men. And that our children don’t need them. And this is the farthest thing from the truth.
Are we shooting ourselves in the foot and damaging our families with our strength? What happens when a generation of young black boys and girls are raised by women who show no consequence to fatherless families? Who tell their children, thinking it is in their best interest, that we don’t need that so and so?
And what about how we are damaging ourselves? When we perpetuate the dangerous myth of Black women as indefatigable, unshakable, and tireless, we are not allowed to be whole human beings with a full suite of emotions. Some of those emotions, which we, as humans are entitled to experience include being vulnerable, needy, and for lack of a better word, scared ___less. We have a right to be that. We are not machines. (BTW, think about where that concept originated). Sojourner Truth’s, Ain’t I A Woman? speech sure does come to mind.
I don’t know if I have the answer. But I do know that Black women need to reclaim our womanness, our femininity, our right to be damsels in distress and the “weaker vessel” if we want to. Sometimes we do need help and sometimes we are not okay.
I also know that Black families are in serious crisis. We’ve spent a lot of time and analysis pointing the finger to the other side of the gender line. Much of that is deserved. But maybe, just maybe, we can spend a little time thinking about the person behind the other four fingers. Our families are worth the thought.
What do you think?
In motherhood,
Kimberly
http://mochamanual.com/blog/tag/strong-black-woman/
Its a big deal for a young man to make his mother proud. I myself remember promising my mom when I was about 9 years old that I would buy her a pair of L.A. Gear gym shoes. I was super excited to give her any Christmas or birthday gift. Valentines day was crazy cutting out hearts and bringing home heart-shaped candy for her. I promised her when I was older that I would never drink (seeing all the drunks we were around). Glad she told me it was ok as long as I was responsible, because I like to drink...responsibly. I told her that I was going to join the U.S. Air Force like my uncle David. All because I thought it would make her proud of me.
Mom,
I know this is a very touchy subject to a lot of people, especially men. Hell, its a touchy to me. But I need to write about it. I'm not trying to say whose wrong or right even though I hate the system. I'm on the kids side.
He’s just not that into you. We know the truth hurts, but this is definitely a reason some guys don’t introduce a woman to his kids. Maybe enough time has passed that he knows you well enough, but he doesn’t think he’s in it for the long-haul with you. He’s not convinced that you’re The One.
In how many ways can a woman hurt a man? I can't answer that, but I believe my ex-wife intentional or not is doing one hell of a job trying to answer that question.
So, I know I'm late posting this since Father's Day was more than a week ago. My Father's day actually started the day after. I decided to hit the road to pick up my twins in Kentucky. I left Atlanta before the crack of dawn so I could see my babies in the A.M. It is a 5 hour trip from Atl but it was so well worth it.
I remember when I was about 10 years old and my brother's father came to pick him up for a few weeks in the summer. I watched his dad come, gather his things, and go. My brother was about 6 at the time. He was my best and only playmate while I was in our home. I noticed that summer must have been the time for dads because several of my other friends went away also. So you could probably see the problem I had. I was suddenly lonely. 
I grew up in public housing where most parents were single mothers. All I knew was my mom and my father was rarely around. I actually don't ever remember seeing them both in the same room. I used to watch Sanford & Son not only because it was a funny show, but because the son (Lamont) reminded me of my father. They had similar mustaches. (LoL) I did see him probably once per year around the holidays when my grandmother wanted me to come visit. Many times, I looked toward others as that father figure. Such as:
That feeling is knowing I will be with my babies soon! Its a great feeling. Similar feeling military vets have when they know they will be coming home and want to surprise the kids.
I often wonder about people. I especially wonder about how some people involve children in relationship and after the relationship is done, destroy that bond that was created between the child and the other adult.
I have spent many hours wishing I could spend time with my kids. Although I enjoyed every moment on the phone with the twins it just wasn't enough to alleviate my need to see them. Well I still haven't found a solution for that besides seeing them in person.
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