Mother's Day Self Therapy

I have a lot of anger in me. Well I shouldn't say anger. Its more like a lot of sadness. Because I lost my mother at a young age and my father is worthless, I had to be strong for my brother and I. I learned to quickly insulate my feelings with a hardened and bitter outer core. From there I have been able to function normally throughout my life. Normal until my long oppressed feelings try to make their way out. I have learned to survive. Do what I need to do just to get by. Do what I need to do succeed. But throughout I felt like there is something missing. Perhaps its my life without my mom. I struggle with my children. I want to show them the world and all its wonders. But at the same time, I want them to be independent. I need for them to learn to survive. Perhaps I want them to learn how to move along in life without their parents. I am hardened from decades of insulated feelings and enhancing my survival skill. So hardened that it takes tons of pain just to squeeze a tear out of me.

So I know the problem. I've tried so many things to compensate. I have my daughter that reminds me of her, I've married a woman that reminds me of her, I've tatted her name on my arm to keep her on my mind. All in hope that they will rid me of the demon that torments me. I've tried everything I can think of but come to grip with her passing. I feel like I was robbed. I get angry if someone take anything from me no matter how insignificant. In a strange way, I want to be happy but at the same time I want the pain. Like its my cross to carry. I keep the pain near to try and save my children from the pain i've endured. Its not fair to them. But I don't know of any other way to be. I don't know how to solve the riddle besides moving about like i'm ok or seeing her on the other side. Its my cross to carry. Fuck it. Its not my time to go so I gotta carry on.