Where were you???

I grew up in public housing where most parents were single mothers. All I knew was my mom and my father was rarely around. I actually don't ever remember seeing them both in the same room. I used to watch Sanford & Son not only because it was a funny show, but because the son (Lamont) reminded me of my father. They had similar mustaches. (LoL) I did see him probably once per year around the holidays when my grandmother wanted me to come visit. Many times, I looked toward others as that father figure. Such as:

• Moms boyfriend (who was a player and at times abusive toward mom)
  
• Uncle (that went away to Air Force and rarely seen again)
• Uncle (that was inspired to be the biggest gangster in the city)
• Best friends father that lived at home (which was odd)
• Other best friend father (who came to pick him up often)
  
• Hustlers in the neighborhood (teaching me the game at 6!!!)
  
• My brothers father (who came to get him often and left me home alone wondering where my dad was. and was abusive toward mom)

And so on... As you can probably tell most of the men there weren't good role models for a young black male. More importantly none of them were my father.

It is very difficult for people to grow up without a father. There is so much that we should learn from them as children at home. Because dad isn't there and mom being unable to give that balance that a father is supposed to provide, our development is skewed. And we look outside the home for guidance.

I have it rough but I'm not using the absence of my father as an excuse. I want to be with my kids and raise them each and every day but I can't. I want to have a family to come home to but it didn't work out. But I'm still there as much as I can be.

All this leads to a question for my father. Where were you? Where were you when those boys stole my bike? Where were you when a friend and I was offered cash by a cowardly man to beat up a helpless woman? Where were you when I was given work (drugs) by the older boys to give to the crackheads in exchange for candy money? Where were you when I got that bad grade and the teacher threatened to call you and I was able to laugh in her face? Where were you when those boys from Cabrini was waiting for me after school and I had to get up with another group for protection? Where were you when I first needed to shave and I had to ask uncles and other guys what to use and experiment on my own. Where were you when I felt like I had to carry a weapon at all times because I was in places that I had no business being? Where were you when I got robbed? Where in the hell were you when I retaliated? Where were you when I was caught in the middle of a shootout and I had to watch the other kids die? I always think you were where those other unfortunate kids fathers were when they got killed. Somewhere bullshitting!

Now I can't lie and say he was never there. Hey he was there to tell me my mother had passed. he showed up to the hospital when my son was born. Umm... he helped me move my things out of my house when I separated from my ex. Damn! Is the birth of my son the only good memory I have with my father??? I'm sure I can scrape up a few more favorable moments from the past.

This is what separates real men from the rest. Our actions and ability to stand on our word. What did Al Pacino say in Scarface? "All I Have in This World Is My Balls and My Word" I stand on that principal! My word is that my kids will never be able to say "Dad where were you when I needed you?" I can't have them learning life's lessons on their own without any guidance from dad. I definitely don't want them to go through the BS I went through growing up and still experiencing today.

I'm actually not angry at my father. I know what he is and see what he is about. I have other more important things to worry about. Besides all I have in this world is my balls, my word, and my kids!