7,886

That's seven thousand eight hundred eighty-six.  I'm not talking about money. Although I wish I had that cash on me. Seven thousand eight hundred eighty-six stands for the number of days I have been trying to find a substitute for my mom.

I went to the show (Chicago slang for movies) tonight and saw "The Blind Side." It is a movie about a young African American male in Memphis who was always trying to get back to his mother. He eventually found the love he needed from a white mother and family. Much like the movie "Antwone Fischer" Antwone had to search for his mother. He needed to feel the love that he couldn't get from his mom and eventually received from his paternal family.

I lost my mom before my 12th birthday. I loved her dearly and would fight fiercely to protect her. I never wanted to leave her side. The time that I did I still regret till this day.

I have been searching for years looking for a substitute for the love and affection that mom provided. I've tried family, friends, clothes, cars, my career, other people mothers and even prayer. Although building my relationship with God has been the best thing that I could have ever done, I still yearned for my mothers love.

I watched "The Blind Side" and said to myself "I miss my mom." She meant the world to me. Often times I wonder what my life would be like if she was still here. I learned early on that everyone isn't meant to be there for a lifetime. I've learned years ago that nobody could ever replace her. I also realized that I will see her again once its my time to leave. I have all the faith in the world that this is not the end. My mom still looks over me. I love her for continuing to do so. In the meantime I am enjoying my life, enjoying my children, and my soon to be wife. This doesn't mean that I have to stop looking for a bit of my mom everywhere I go. The only difference now is that I greet each day as another opportunity to try. I'm looking forward to day seven thousand eight hundred eighty-seven.

What I gotta do

Another 6pm Sunday evening passes. Its another chance for me to see the sad face of my little boy as  I drop him off to his mom. Twice per month I experience this. He is excited all weekend playing games with me, singing, teaching me words and songs in both Spanish and Mandarin. He tells me about school and often tells me how much he loves me. Hugs, kisses, wrestling, and stories. All the time we talk about how much we are best buddies.

It hurts each time I drop him off. Luckily for me I am experienced in this situation. I went through those emotions many times before with my twins. Starting in 2001 I had my babies for 4-5 months out of the year. It was really hard getting attached being the single dad. Babysitters, buses, strollers, pampers, and milk. I see you single moms. On top of all that I had to drive 6 and sometimes 12 hours round trip to get them and drop them off. hearing those little people cry and scream while daddy walked away sucked big time.

Last year I was laid off work, got divorced, left my apartment to help fam and save cash. None in any particular order.  It was a tough year financially for most Americans. I exhausted my savings sending money for child support. In the midst of the rough year I found love and a great foundation to build a strong family.

I am preparing to make some major moves in my life. I am feeling great and extremely confident that everything will work out for the best. I get my inspiration and motivation from my family to be the best man and father I can be for them. Macy Gray has a song called "What I Gotta Do" that I think I will keep in rotation forever.

Girl a boy and a girl,
Never thought I'd have babies,
Looking up to me,
Wanna give them all the world,
Yeah, trying to make it, always gone,
You say, mommy don't go, ooh ooh,
And I don't wanna leave, uh uh (I don't wanna leave).

It's what I gotta do,
There's no place that I'd rather be than there with you,
It's what I gotta do to take care of you,
Make it right, ooh (make it right, make it right)
And I never make it,
But I have to hope you understand the circumstances,
I'll be there the second I get the chance,
What I gotta do.

Yeah, only you can rely,
Wanna give you the best of everything,
So I miss some things,
But you're always on my mind (always on my mind)
Yeah, I'm gonna show you the world,
But it ain't easy, ooh ooh,
But I don't wanna leave you (I don't wanna leave).

It's what I gotta do,
There's no place that I'd rather be than there with you,
It's what I gotta do to take care of you, (oh yeah)
Make it right, ooh (make it right, make it right)
And I never make it,
But I have to hope you understand the circumstances,
I'll be there the second I get the chance, (I'll be there)
What I gotta do.

Stars are in your eyes,
The sun is in your flower,
Easy to my churches,
You show me what my purpose is,
Girl, a boy, and a girl,
Sweetest in my world (sweetest in my world)
Hey hey, hey hey heyyyaaah.

It's what I gotta,
It's what I gotta,
It's what I gotta take, oooh.

It's what I gotta do,
There's no place that I'd rather be than there with you,
It's what I gotta do to take care of you, (a girl, a boy, and a girl)
Make it right, ooh (make it right, make it right)
And I never make it,
But I have to hope you understand the circumstances,
I'll be there the second I get the chance,
What I gotta do.
What I gotta do.
What I gotta do.
What I gotta do

I have been a stand-up man when it has come to my children. I never have shown favoritism to any and at the same time given them their own attention from dad. I give all the love I can, all the time. Nothing is more important to me. I have been on my grind with my kids since day one. So when I am questioned about my devotion to my children, naturally that lights a fire within and the beast is ready to emerge. DO NOT EVER question if I have their best interest in mind!! I think about them daily almost hourly. Get a fucking life people!

Making Mommy Proud!!!

Its a big deal for a young man to make his mother proud. I myself remember promising my mom when I was about 9 years old that I would buy her a pair of L.A. Gear gym shoes. I was super excited to give her any Christmas or birthday gift. Valentines day was crazy cutting out hearts and bringing home heart-shaped candy for her. I promised her when I was older that I would never drink (seeing all the drunks we were around). Glad she told me it was ok as long as I was responsible, because I like to drink...responsibly.  I told her that I was going to join the U.S. Air Force like my uncle David. All because I thought it would make her proud of me.

This past weekend I got to see that same thing happen again. I watched my lady's son work extra hard to clean his room just to make her proud. I mean he went under the bed, in the closet, and washed all 6 loads of clothes he had. Even decided to change the sheets on his bed to match and to keep his bed made. Of course he did all this under my iron fist supervision, but I did allow him to take all the credit. And he did take all the credit! :-) The look in his eyes when he was almost done with his room was exciting. And when we stopped to plan how we would present his room to his mom, the look in his eyes were priceless. I instantly went back in time 25 years. It was the same look I gave my mom when I just knew she would be proud of me.

Boys are strong by nature. Boys are willing to take on loads to make their moms smile. Boys will work tirelessly to support the women in their lives starting with mom. Its funny how some boys are pampered to the point where they need the support seemingly all the time. Then grow up being no good for anyone. They become mentally disabled from being a man. Hmm but that's another post. I love seeing boys learning the lessons early on how to become strong, independent men.

Mom played the role of excited mom well. And her son went on and on about what he was going to do next and how he would keep his room clean. Of course he will need the assistance of the iron first to accomplish this goal long-term. But, its all worth it in the end to see mommy smile and to make her proud.