A Father's Joy!

So, I know I'm late posting this since Father's Day was more than a week ago. My Father's day actually started the day after. I decided to hit the road to pick up my twins in Kentucky. I left Atlanta before the crack of dawn so I could see my babies in the A.M. It is a 5 hour trip from Atl but it was so well worth it.

I made it to Kentucky around 10 a.m. central. Before I could make it to the front door to ring the bell, it popped open. Makayla was there and jumped into my arms. Wow! My baby is getting so big was all I could think of. Montrel then appeared standing almost 8 inches taller. My Boy! They were both excited as I was. They both rushed me to be the first to give me their homemade Father's Day card. I loved them both! And both cards had money in it! A buck each! :-) They know me so well. Of course that money would be going directly back to them for all the things they request. But its cool, because I loved the thought.

The most special gift that I have received from them was the Father's day song Makayla wrote and sung for me. OMG! It was the best... Check it!

I know that everyone thinks their daddy is the best.
Well let me just inform them all that i'm the one who's blessed.
There's no other dad like you, of that I am quite sure.
For no matter what the pain you always have a cure.

My baby wrote that for me!!!! And then sung it with her cute crackly voice. I was on top of the world! Could it get any better? I am a proud daddy. Of course I have a video of her singing that I will be viewing for the rest of my life.

We spent several days together and had a ball. On the way home I timed it so that I could stay to watch Montrel play in his baseball playoff game. Overall it was a great week.

I will be blogging soon about something that is very hard for me to get use to. That is dealing with the kids when its time for them to return home. I am feeling pretty good right now and writing about that may just kill my spirit. Keep a look out.

Lonely Kid

I remember when I was about 10 years old and my brother's father came to pick him up for a few weeks in the summer. I watched his dad come, gather his things, and go. My brother was about 6 at the time. He was my best and only playmate while I was in our home. I noticed that summer must have been the time for dads because several of my other friends went away also. So you could probably see the problem I had. I was suddenly lonely.

Lots of times I was that child many people would notice playing alone in public housing. That's because they were gone with their dads, relatives, or at some camp that we couldn't afford. I had the hardest time when I was younger staying at home. I wanted to be outside with friends. Especially while my brother was away. My mom was the best mom ever! But mom could never have the same passion for rough play like my brother, friends and I had. At least the neighborhood guys were there. You know, the drug dealers and the gang members. I guess you can see where this could lead also.

I wrote in an earlier post about my feelings toward my father. His consistent presence would have alleviated a lot of my lonely feelings. That would have been the ultimate solution.

This post really isn't about my father but about the people who allow siblings to separate and be alone. I wished that I could go with my brother or friends fathers when they came. Every blue moon I was invited and it was great. Siblings shouldn't be separated like that when they are so close. From that point I decided that if I was ever in that position where if I had to pick up my kids and they had siblings there, I would at least acknowledge them. I would bring them a gift also and not make my kids out to be more privileged than them. And If I could I would bring them along also.

Hey dads! Next time you go to pick up your kid(s), and if they have siblings living with them and their father isn't around, remember this post. Acknowledge them if you don't mind. Don't forget them when you buy your kids gifts if you can. It doesn't have to be much. Just something to let them know they are special too. If you have that type of relationship with mom then take them along also. I know I'm pushing it with a lot of you. But by doing some of these things it could help a ton to build the character of these young boys and girls. Its not their faults they are in that position. Kids need attention. Give a little. Give it a try...

Daddy's Little Girl by Peter Love

Pretty cool song. There are a lot of fathers that feel the exact same way about their little girls. I know I do. Enjoy!

Where were you???

I grew up in public housing where most parents were single mothers. All I knew was my mom and my father was rarely around. I actually don't ever remember seeing them both in the same room. I used to watch Sanford & Son not only because it was a funny show, but because the son (Lamont) reminded me of my father. They had similar mustaches. (LoL) I did see him probably once per year around the holidays when my grandmother wanted me to come visit. Many times, I looked toward others as that father figure. Such as:

• Moms boyfriend (who was a player and at times abusive toward mom)
  
• Uncle (that went away to Air Force and rarely seen again)
• Uncle (that was inspired to be the biggest gangster in the city)
• Best friends father that lived at home (which was odd)
• Other best friend father (who came to pick him up often)
  
• Hustlers in the neighborhood (teaching me the game at 6!!!)
  
• My brothers father (who came to get him often and left me home alone wondering where my dad was. and was abusive toward mom)

And so on... As you can probably tell most of the men there weren't good role models for a young black male. More importantly none of them were my father.

It is very difficult for people to grow up without a father. There is so much that we should learn from them as children at home. Because dad isn't there and mom being unable to give that balance that a father is supposed to provide, our development is skewed. And we look outside the home for guidance.

I have it rough but I'm not using the absence of my father as an excuse. I want to be with my kids and raise them each and every day but I can't. I want to have a family to come home to but it didn't work out. But I'm still there as much as I can be.

All this leads to a question for my father. Where were you? Where were you when those boys stole my bike? Where were you when a friend and I was offered cash by a cowardly man to beat up a helpless woman? Where were you when I was given work (drugs) by the older boys to give to the crackheads in exchange for candy money? Where were you when I got that bad grade and the teacher threatened to call you and I was able to laugh in her face? Where were you when those boys from Cabrini was waiting for me after school and I had to get up with another group for protection? Where were you when I first needed to shave and I had to ask uncles and other guys what to use and experiment on my own. Where were you when I felt like I had to carry a weapon at all times because I was in places that I had no business being? Where were you when I got robbed? Where in the hell were you when I retaliated? Where were you when I was caught in the middle of a shootout and I had to watch the other kids die? I always think you were where those other unfortunate kids fathers were when they got killed. Somewhere bullshitting!

Now I can't lie and say he was never there. Hey he was there to tell me my mother had passed. he showed up to the hospital when my son was born. Umm... he helped me move my things out of my house when I separated from my ex. Damn! Is the birth of my son the only good memory I have with my father??? I'm sure I can scrape up a few more favorable moments from the past.

This is what separates real men from the rest. Our actions and ability to stand on our word. What did Al Pacino say in Scarface? "All I Have in This World Is My Balls and My Word" I stand on that principal! My word is that my kids will never be able to say "Dad where were you when I needed you?" I can't have them learning life's lessons on their own without any guidance from dad. I definitely don't want them to go through the BS I went through growing up and still experiencing today.

I'm actually not angry at my father. I know what he is and see what he is about. I have other more important things to worry about. Besides all I have in this world is my balls, my word, and my kids!

Getting That feeling again!

That feeling is knowing I will be with my babies soon! Its a great feeling. Similar feeling military vets have when they know they will be coming home and want to surprise the kids.

Okay, okay! They are 8 years old and no longer babies but they will always be in my eyes. Each time I see them I don't see their maturing faces. All I see is them as 1 year olds. I have a feeling that this will be the same when they are grown, married, and with kids.

I am heading to Ga. in about a week for a wedding. My grandmother (bless her) has pulled several strings to make sure that the kids will be in attendance. I was planning on getting them after the wedding, but who am I to overrule the voice of the family? Grandma said she want her grandkids and great grandkids there so I must oblige. :-)

I can't wait to see them and interact with them. I am so anxious! I can't wait to hear my little princess call my name "Daddy!" (lol like I'm in trouble or something) And I can't wait to hear my knucklehead boy ask me a million times what games I got him.

At this wedding much of the family will be there with their significant others and/or their children. I was planning to be alone but thank God for Grandma. She sees things before they happen. She saw that I would be lonely and miserable without my babies. I'm blessed!!!

The Daddy Thing!

I often wonder about people. I especially wonder about how some people involve children in relationship and after the relationship is done, destroy that bond that was created between the child and the other adult.

I guess I should give a bit more detail. When I first met my ex-wife she had a daughter that was going on 2 years old. Father was a deadbeat and mom was basically on her own. Was I trying to be Superman? No! But I did what I could. At that point I was... umm... about 21-22 years old and I always wanted to be a father. (I know, kinda strange for a young boy) I stepped in and became the father in her life. I mean from picking her up from school/daycare, helping with homework, keeping her while mom returned to school, helping to buy clothes, and even bringing my little cousins over for her birthday parties.

Fast forward 11 years later past the marriage, separation, and divorce. I attempted on many occasions to continue being a father to the young beautiful little girl. But mom is still bitter about a lot of things and we have been strategically separated indefinitely.

My question is how can you let your child have a father in her life for so long and then break that bond because of personal feelings? The girl still calls me daddy a 14! Our marriage is over and that was the best for the both of us. But that father daughter bond still remains with mom pushing that wedge in the middle.

Baby girl recently invited me to her 8th grade dance and graduation. Mom took that whole plan apart. Told me "she can't invite anyone to her dance and it is too late to add chaperons. And there aren't anymore graduation tickets available." Ok! What kind of hate does a person need to have in their heart to do those type of things? I really believe the hate stems from confusion but I may never know. As much as I hated her guts after our separation I still allowed my twins to stop by when they asked. The problems between mom and I is just that. The kids should not be used as pawns.

There are plenty of deadbeats out there. Believe me I hear about it all the time from women. But what I don't understand is when you have a man wanting to be there why does he have it much harder than the deadbeat???

Tomorrow is baby girls birthday. I don't even want to ask if I could celebrate with her. Tired of being disappointed. There has been plenty of times where I wanted to give up and just let go. I'm too much of a man for that. It still hurt being denied, but not as much as it use to. Guess I will do the birthday card thing again. At least baby girl knows that I still care.

Technology

I have spent many hours wishing I could spend time with my kids. Although I enjoyed every moment on the phone with the twins it just wasn't enough to alleviate my need to see them. Well I still haven't found a solution for that besides seeing them in person.

But I did decide to make use of a tool I already had... My webcam! Funny thing is that I owned it for over a year before I actually used it. I asked the twins mom to purchase one and she agreed. Now when they are home and available I can chat with them over voice, IM, and view how much they have grown with the cam. Not to mention the kids love being able to make use of the computer, see themselves, and interact with dad.

Give it a try!

First blog... Let's go!

Well here is a little about me. I am a 32 years old. I am single and a father of 3. I have twin 8 year old boy and girl living in Kentucky with their mom, and a 3 year old boy living only a few miles away here in Illinois with my ex-wife.

There it is. It's not much but its a start. Just wait until I get the ball rolling on here. Should be plenty of hot topics. Good night...